Relationships


Connection

We all want connection. The core of who we are seeks out connection with others for safety and belonging. We all bring our history into our relationships. Our past greatly influences our present. Every time we felt safe, cared for and loved, every time we were left, heart broken or had our trust shattered, they all play into our present relationships.

This is especially true for adoptees in relationships. Adoptees, who had their primary person of safety and connection disappear, see all future relationships and connection as something they desperately want, but are scared they will be devastated again; like they were when their biological mother disappeared from their life.

When such a dramatic break in trust and attachment occurs it impacts the nervous system as a trauma. Once a trauma is woven into the fabric of our experiences it becomes the lens through which we see all other events. The way trauma impacts the brain makes it nearly impossible to not react with the same sense of fear as when the original wound occurred.

 

ADOPTEES ARE CONSTANLTY ON ALERT FOR THE THREAT OF BEING LEFT

 

That is why, when you are married to an adoptee, and you are 15 minutes late getting home, you likely see them calling or texting you. You may not know that they are panicking. They are scared, on a primary level, that they are being left again. Even though they know that you likely are just caught in traffic or stopped by the store, the core of them is fighting the original trauma of being left.

Often the person in a relationship with an adoptee will see, what they perceive to be, irrational reactions to missed phone calls, getting home late, being separate for extended periods of time. Or they may notice cold indifference or anger to seemingly innocuous situations. The anger is a masking of the same fear that panic, crying or other behaviors represent.

 

TRAUMA IS THE TRUE #1 CAUSE AT THE CORE OF FAILED RELATIONSHIPS

 

All trauma works this way. It captures our deepest fears and sends us into survival mode. Trying to ensure not to be hurt again the way we once were. The powerful force of the brain does not allow us to move past that survival instinct.

The proper combination of therapy, safe relationships and neuroplasticity (rewiring the brain) can help and alleviate the grip trauma has on the nervous system.

Navigating relationships is difficult under perfect circumstances. When being someone with a broken attachment, like an adoptee, or being with someone with a broken attachment in a relationship, it elevates the nuances and challenges.

With two dedicated individuals and the help of a Post-Adoption Specialist or AdoptEd. Certified Therapist, navigating the challenges of a relationship with an adoptee or other broken attachment can lead to a deep, loving, safe and lasting relationship.

 

Break-Ups

ADOPTEES CAN STRUGGLE MORE WITH A BREAK-UP THAN THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE

The nature of broken attachment and trauma caused by the separation from biological family has deep impacts on adoptees and inevitably end up impacting their romantic relationships.

What they want more than anything is to feel safe, loved, cared for, cherished and did I say SAFE? The smallest threat or perceived threat to that safety or being left can greatly impact an adoptee. The actual ending of a relationship, even if the adoptee is the one to initiate the separation can be devastating.

All too often adoptees struggle with a deeper sense of loss, greater pain and a longer lasting depressive state than the average person when a break-up occurs. The ending of a relationship triggers the core fears of not being good enough, lovable or safe.

Having the proper support and understanding of the 5 Stages of Adoption Grieving will help adoptees through this painful period.

Adoptees                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Genetic Separation                                                                                                                                                                                                   Searching & Reunions
Family                                                                                                                                                                                                          Relationships
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