Why Couples Keep Fighting About the Same Things: How an EFT Therapist Breaks Painful Patterns

You've had this conversation before. Maybe last week it was about whose turn it was to do something. Last month it was about plans that got made without checking in. This time it's about tone, or timing, or something that feels too small to justify how big it's gotten.

But here you are again. Same tension. Same frustration. Same sense that no matter what you say, you're going to end up in the same place.

It's not the topic. It's never really the topic.

If you find yourselves cycling through the same fight in different packaging, you're not failing at communication. You're caught in a pattern that runs deeper than the words you're using. And until you understand what's actually driving that pattern, no amount of better phrasing or conflict resolution techniques will change it.

That's where EFT therapy helps couples see what's actually happening. If you want to understand how this process works, you can read about it in my blog How EFT Therapy Transforms Relationship Pain Into Lasting Connection: A Complete Guide. If you're exploring relationship counseling in Irvine, understanding these patterns is often the first step toward change. But for now, let's focus on why these patterns keep repeating in the first place.

The Fight Isn't About What You Think It's About

When couples describe their recurring conflicts, they usually start with content. "We fight about money." "We fight about parenting." "We fight about his family."

And yes, those topics matter. But if you pay attention to what's happening emotionally right before things escalate, there's almost always something else going on.

One person feels unseen, so they push harder to be heard. The other person feels criticized, so they shut down or defend. The pushing creates more distance. The distance confirms the fear that prompted the pushing in the first place. And the cycle tightens.

The topic is just where the cycle happens to land that day.

What a Painful Pattern Actually Looks Like

These patterns are remarkably consistent, even across couples who seem completely different on the surface.

One of you might be the person who brings things up. You notice when something feels off. You want to talk about it, fix it, make sure you're okay. But when you reach for connection, it comes out as questions, or requests, or sometimes criticism. You don't mean it that way. You just need to know your partner is still with you.

The other person might be the one who pulls back. Not because you don't care, but because conflict feels dangerous. When your partner gets anxious or critical, your instinct is to create space, stay calm, wait for things to settle. You're trying to keep the peace. But your partner doesn't experience peace. They experience abandonment.

So they push harder. And you pull back further. And both of you are doing exactly what makes sense based on what you're feeling, but it's creating the very outcome you're both trying to avoid.

This is the pursue-withdraw cycle. And it's one of the most common patterns an EFT therapist helps couples recognize and interrupt.

Why the Pattern Keeps Repeating

You might wonder why, if you can both see this happening, you can't just stop doing it.

The reason is that these patterns aren't primarily cognitive. They're rooted in your attachment system, the part of your nervous system that monitors safety in close relationships.

When you feel disconnected from your partner, your brain doesn't treat it like a minor inconvenience. It treats it like a threat. And when you're in threat mode, you don't have access to your most flexible, thoughtful self. You have access to the strategies that helped you survive emotional danger in the past.

For some people, that means protest: get louder, move closer, demand a response. For others, it means shutdown: get quiet, create distance, manage alone.

Neither of these is wrong. They're just protective. And they worked, once, in an earlier context. The problem is they don't work now, in this relationship, with this person. But your nervous system doesn't know that yet.

How an EFT Therapist Helps You Break the Cycle

An EFT therapist doesn't start by trying to fix your communication. They start by helping you see the cycle clearly enough that it stops feeling like your partner is the enemy.

This usually begins with slowing things down. Not the content of your arguments, but the emotional sequence. What happens in your body right before you get critical? What happens in your chest when your partner goes quiet? What are you afraid of in that moment?

When you can name what's happening (I'm scared you're going to leave, I'm terrified I'm going to disappoint you, I don't know how to reach you), the cycle starts to make sense. It's not that one of you is right and the other is wrong. You're both responding to a feeling of disconnection in the only way that feels available in the moment.

Once you can see that, the work shifts. Instead of fighting about the dishes or the schedule, you start talking about what those fights are actually about: Do I matter to you? Are you still here? Can I count on you when I'm struggling?

And when your partner hears those questions directly, instead of experiencing them through criticism or silence, something changes. It's harder to stay defended when you realize your partner isn't attacking you. They're reaching for you.

What Changes When You Interrupt the Pattern

Breaking a painful cycle doesn't mean you stop disagreeing or that everything becomes easy. It means you stop getting trapped in the same emotional loop every time something goes wrong.

You start to recognize the cycle earlier. You can feel it beginning, and instead of getting swept into it, you can name it. "We're doing that thing again. I'm getting anxious. You're shutting down."

That awareness creates space. Not much, maybe, but enough that you have a choice about what happens next.

You also start to understand what your partner actually needs in those moments. The person who withdraws isn't trying to punish you. They're overwhelmed and trying to regulate. The person who pursues isn't trying to control you. They're scared and trying to feel close.

When you understand that, you can respond differently. Not perfectly, but differently enough that the cycle doesn't lock in the way it used to.

And over time, you build new patterns. Patterns where you can express a need without it becoming a fight. Where you can hear your partner's hurt without collapsing into shame. Where repair is possible, even after things have gone sideways.

When to Get Help

If you're stuck in a pattern that keeps repeating, no matter how hard you try to change it, that's not a sign that your relationship is broken. It's a sign that the cycle has become entrenched, and you need help seeing it from the outside. Many couples seeking relationship counseling in Irvine come in at exactly this point—when they recognize the pattern but can't seem to shift it alone.

An EFT therapist can help you map what's happening between you, understand what each of you is protecting against, and create new experiences of connection that your nervous system can learn from.

You don't have to keep having the same fight. But you probably can't think your way out of it alone.

The pattern makes sense. And with the right support, it can change.

Author Bio

Karl Stenske, LMFT, offers individual therapy, couples therapy, and relationship counseling in Irvine, CA. He helps people understand the emotional patterns shaping their lives and relationships, creating a space where insight, connection, and meaningful change can unfold. If you would like to ask questions or explore working together, you can reach out through the karlstenske.com.